Theresa's Space - Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia

Today started out as any other Sunday.  I got up before Don and did my usual morning routine...brush hair and teeth, wash face, get something to drink.  Then decided to check out who was on the computer to chat with.  Had a nice chat with Melissa.  We talked about many topics, to say the least.  As we talked, Don woke up and brought along a nasty headache with him.  He didn't say much to me.  But I attributed that to his headache.  Well, after a couple of hours he was ready to do our family Sunday outing.  We go up to the cemetery each and every Sunday.  It is what we do to keep the idea of "family" going.  It is hard to feel like one when your little baby is in heaven.  But anyway, we went up there and still not much was said to me.  He was very quiet and distant.  I asked many times what was wrong, if he was upset with me, could I do anything.  Got me nowhere.  This silence and distant attitude continued on throughout the day and all throughout dinner I knew it was more than just a headache and feeling unmotivated.  I knew he wasn't too happy with me.  You just know these things after 10 years of being with someone.  When I finally did find out it was something to do with me, my stomach dropped.  What had I done?  My mind raced.  I thought and thought so hard and couldn't think of what it was.  So I asked if I had forgot something again.  The look on his face said it all!  I wish I could've just crawled into a hole and hid forever!  How ashamed I felt (and still do).  What kind of Fiance am I?  I forgot a very important date.  August 31st.  The day his mom passed on.  How could I do this again?  I forgot the day his dad passed on and now I forget his mom's.  I feel like such a looser of a fiance/soon-to-wife.  I am sure his friend remembered.  Which for him, I am glad.  For me, well, don't I look just wonderful!  God, How could I do this to him again?  He is the most important person in my life!!!  I would do anything for him.  And yet, at the times he needs my support and love the most, I fail him.  And there is NOTHING I can do to rectify this.  I cannot make up for this forgetfulness.  No amount of apologies are gonna make it better.   I feel so ashamed.  I know he is so disappointed in me.  And that hurts so much.  I had to leave the house and sob my eyes out in the car.  Not for me but for him.  And I am so angry at myself.  I drove around for a half hour because I felt so small, I didn't feel I should be around the house.  And the anger I had for myself....well, it wasn't time to focus on me.  It isn't I who was treated wrongly.  I didn't want to make it about me so I left the premises.  But then I felt by me doing that I was making it about me so I returned and cleaned up dinner.  Afterwards I apologized but added that I know it doesn't make up for this behavior.  He accepted my apology as he is a very forgiving man...well, to those who cares about anyway.  I don't feel I deserve anything but I am glad he did accept it.  I know he knows I didn't do this on purpose but I still feel awful.  I let him down.  The love of my life.  The man who is going to devote the rest of his life spent with me at his side.  I am going shopping tomorrow for wedding stuff.  I don't feel like it now.  I don't deserve to be treated so nice.  I just feel like trash right now.  *SIGH*  Hopefully I will be able to forgive myself.  Donny still isn't talking much to me and I don't blame him.  I am giving him the space he needs.  I am not pushing myself into his alone time.  I am not the one who needs to be made to feel better.  He is.  But I cannot do that unless he allows me.  So I will wait.  I feel so awful for him.  How can his own fiance forget about something like that?  I am writing down these dates so as to NEVER forget again.  I hope my next post will have a bit more light in it.  This one is kinda dark and dismal.  Sorry.  Hope tomorrow is a better day for Donny.  If you read this Donny, I LOVE YOU!  And I am so very sorry!! 

While on my Ohio trip, some friends wanted to go into Target to shop...Lauren is quite the shopper I found out!  My stomach turned at the thought of going into that store.  Since Donny passed on, I have always had problems going into that store.  My reasoning was that everytime I went in there, there was a baby to face.  It is very hard for me to be around others' babies, at least strangers.  I would always leave Target with tears streaming down my face and the worst empty feeling in my heart.  So I wasn't much looking forward to another trip to the dreaded store.  Yet I knew how much Lauren and Jessica wanted to go, so I didn't say anything.  Besides, what better support could I ask for than those two!  So into Target I went, hoping with each step there weren't any newborns to see or hear.  Well, I was lucky in that I didn't have to face any newborns.  That was a relief!  However, I had another battle to face...we entered the baby section to find pajamas for Jaslyn who was in the hospital.  I was doing ok with the bigger sized clothes.  But then I saw the newborn boy clothes and that was all it took.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I just couldn't fight them away.  The pain flooded my heart.  Then I followed them into the next isle where the toys and small odds and ends are...the tears fell some more.  It was at that moment I realized why Target was such taboo for my heart.  I now knew why I avoided that store like the plague.  It didn't have anything to do with babies...well, that was hard but Walmart has just as many babies in and out of there.  So does Jewel and Dominick's and any other store I have repeatedly gone into in the last year and a half.  Target was different.  Target was the store I had planned to register at and had bought some things from for Donny.  I had a list of things picked out from Target that I wanted for Donny.  So that store was just another reminder to me that I don't have what I should.  It was a dark place for me.  Since I've come to this realization though, I have been able to enter this store and not feel dread or break out in tears.  Yes, it is still sad for me to know that it holds so many items that would've been purchased for my baby boy.  I try to think that I will have that opportunity again for his brother or sister someday.  I know I will never get the chance for Donny again but I know he is much happier in Heaven than suffering on Earth.  I would never take such joy from my son.  Anyway, I am happy that I have discovered my issue with Target...it has such nice stuff!  I have been able to register there for my wedding!  I even went into the infant section to buy Jack an outfit...I never got Dawnn anything for her shower.  And I was okay with it.  I even bought him an outfit that I would've bought for Donny...and it made me smile.  It is nice to discover why odd things bother me and to be able to face it and overcome it.  Target will always be that place where I 'would have' registered for Donny but it can be other things for me too!  Another step in healing my broken heart.   

I made this great blog with Jessica's help and then since that night have not been able to use it cause I didn't remember my page name..and then didn't remember my sign in name.  But I have finally made it back here.  Now I hope to be able to keep more up to date with my posts.  I really like being able to write down how I feel but actually writing takes so much more time and pain...typing is so much easier for me!  More to follow..... 

This is so cool!  I have been adding things onto my new blog for 2 hours now...how awesome.  I love this place!  I'm starting to get bumbed though.  Had to say goodbye to Lauren earlier this evening, who is now in bed...or I hope.  And tomorrow morning I will have to say goodbye to Jessica too.  It is sad.  And then Tiffany and I are off to Indiana and I to Illinois.  I have enjoyed coming to Ohio and getting to hang out with those I only ever get to talk to online.  Yes, you can build awesome friendships online but it is so awesome to be WITH these wonderful friends.  I love 'em so much!  I hope they know how much they mean to me.  I have learned alot this weekend, about them and about me.   I have observed and accepted that living life is okay to do and is something I should be doing.  Yes, it is hard and it will always hold those hard times but living is what I need to do and what my angel boy wants me to do.  Thank you my lil marshmallow for being patient with mommy while she learns how to live this new life.  I really shouldn't stay up to late playing with this new blog of mine...but it is so much fun!