Today started out as any other Sunday.  I got up before Don and did my usual morning routine...brush hair and teeth, wash face, get something to drink.  Then decided to check out who was on the computer to chat with.  Had a nice chat with Melissa.  We talked about many topics, to say the least.  As we talked, Don woke up and brought along a nasty headache with him.  He didn't say much to me.  But I attributed that to his headache.  Well, after a couple of hours he was ready to do our family Sunday outing.  We go up to the cemetery each and every Sunday.  It is what we do to keep the idea of "family" going.  It is hard to feel like one when your little baby is in heaven.  But anyway, we went up there and still not much was said to me.  He was very quiet and distant.  I asked many times what was wrong, if he was upset with me, could I do anything.  Got me nowhere.  This silence and distant attitude continued on throughout the day and all throughout dinner I knew it was more than just a headache and feeling unmotivated.  I knew he wasn't too happy with me.  You just know these things after 10 years of being with someone.  When I finally did find out it was something to do with me, my stomach dropped.  What had I done?  My mind raced.  I thought and thought so hard and couldn't think of what it was.  So I asked if I had forgot something again.  The look on his face said it all!  I wish I could've just crawled into a hole and hid forever!  How ashamed I felt (and still do).  What kind of Fiance am I?  I forgot a very important date.  August 31st.  The day his mom passed on.  How could I do this again?  I forgot the day his dad passed on and now I forget his mom's.  I feel like such a looser of a fiance/soon-to-wife.  I am sure his friend remembered.  Which for him, I am glad.  For me, well, don't I look just wonderful!  God, How could I do this to him again?  He is the most important person in my life!!!  I would do anything for him.  And yet, at the times he needs my support and love the most, I fail him.  And there is NOTHING I can do to rectify this.  I cannot make up for this forgetfulness.  No amount of apologies are gonna make it better.   I feel so ashamed.  I know he is so disappointed in me.  And that hurts so much.  I had to leave the house and sob my eyes out in the car.  Not for me but for him.  And I am so angry at myself.  I drove around for a half hour because I felt so small, I didn't feel I should be around the house.  And the anger I had for myself....well, it wasn't time to focus on me.  It isn't I who was treated wrongly.  I didn't want to make it about me so I left the premises.  But then I felt by me doing that I was making it about me so I returned and cleaned up dinner.  Afterwards I apologized but added that I know it doesn't make up for this behavior.  He accepted my apology as he is a very forgiving man...well, to those who cares about anyway.  I don't feel I deserve anything but I am glad he did accept it.  I know he knows I didn't do this on purpose but I still feel awful.  I let him down.  The love of my life.  The man who is going to devote the rest of his life spent with me at his side.  I am going shopping tomorrow for wedding stuff.  I don't feel like it now.  I don't deserve to be treated so nice.  I just feel like trash right now.  *SIGH*  Hopefully I will be able to forgive myself.  Donny still isn't talking much to me and I don't blame him.  I am giving him the space he needs.  I am not pushing myself into his alone time.  I am not the one who needs to be made to feel better.  He is.  But I cannot do that unless he allows me.  So I will wait.  I feel so awful for him.  How can his own fiance forget about something like that?  I am writing down these dates so as to NEVER forget again.  I hope my next post will have a bit more light in it.  This one is kinda dark and dismal.  Sorry.  Hope tomorrow is a better day for Donny.  If you read this Donny, I LOVE YOU!  And I am so very sorry!!